Co-Parenting the right way.

What is co-parenting?

Co-parenting, in which parents actively participate actively in their children's day-to-day lives, is the best way to ensure that all your children's needs are met and to enable them to maintain close relationships with both of their parents, unless your family has dealt with serious issues such as domestic violence or substance abuse.



Co-parenting means having both parents play an active role in the lives of their children. The mental and emotional health of children, as well as the frequency of mental health disorders like anxiety and depression, can be strongly impacted by the quality of the relationship that exists between the children's biological parents. Putting aside relationship issues to co-parent amicably, especially after an acrimonious breakup, can be easier said than done. However, this is something that must be done.

Co-parenting can be tiring, frustrating, and stressful, especially if you and your ex-partner don't get along well. You might worry about your ex's ability to be a good parent, feel stressed about child support or other financial issues, be tired of fighting, or think you'll never be able to get over all the hurt feelings in your relationship.

It's common for people to feel overwhelmed by the prospect of making joint decisions, interacting at drop-offs, or even just having a conversation with someone they'd rather forget. If you and your ex-spouse really care about your children's happiness and development, you can learn to put aside your differences and work together productively as parents. By keeping cool under pressure, being consistent, and settling disagreements, you can make joint custody work for the benefit of your children.

Making co-parenting work.

The key to effective co-parenting is to keep your personal relationship with your ex separate from your co-parenting relationship. It may be beneficial to consider your relationship with your ex as a completely new one—one that is solely concerned with the well-being of your children and not with either of you.

Your children are still a part of your family even if your marriage has ended, and it is imperative that you prioritize always meeting their requirements. The first step toward becoming a responsible adult and mature co-parent is to ensure that the requirements of your children come before your own.

Benefits for your children

Your children should be able to understand, because of your joint efforts as co-parents, that they are more important to you than the argument that resulted in the dissolution of your marriage, and that your love for them will endure regardless of the changes that life inevitably brings about. This should be communicated to your children in a way that demonstrates to them that you and their other parent are able to work together Children whose parents have divorced but continue to have friendly relationships are children who are characterized by the following characteristics:

Feel secure. When children are confident in the love of both parents, they are better able to adjust to divorce and new living situations and have higher self-esteem.

Take advantage of consistency. Co-parenting encourages similar rules, discipline, and rewards between households, so that children know what to anticipate and what is expected of them.

Better understand problem solving. Children are more likely to learn how to effectively and peacefully resolve conflicts if they observe their parents doing so.

Set a good example to follow. By cooperating with the other parent, you are teaching your children how to establish and maintain stronger relationships in the future.

Are healthier mentally and emotionally. Children exposed to parental conflict are more likely to develop conditions like depression, anxiety, or ADHD.

Co-parenting

TIP 1: SET HURT AND ANGER ASIDE

If you want to be a good co-parent, you must put the needs of your children ahead of your own feelings, including any anger, resentment, or hurt that you may be harbouring toward the other parent. This includes putting the needs of your children ahead of your own feelings. Putting aside the intense feelings you have for your former partner is likely to be the most difficult part of learning how to work cooperatively with them, but it is also likely to be the most important part of the process.

It is not about your feelings or those of your ex-spouse when it comes to co-parenting; rather, it is about the happiness, stability, and future well-being of your child.

Separating feelings from behaviour

It's natural to feel hurt and angry, but you don't have to let those emotions control how you act in response. Instead, make sure that your actions are motivated by what is best for your children, which is for you to collaborate with the other parent.

Get your feelings out somewhere else. Never share your frustrations with your kid. When you need to get negative feelings off your chest, good listeners can come in many forms. They can be friends, therapists, or even a loving pet. Exercising is one of the best ways to release pent-up frustration in a healthy way.

Stay kid focused. If you feel angry or resentful, remember that your child's best interests are at stake and that you must act with purpose and grace. A photograph of your child may help you to calm down if your anger is overwhelming.

Don't put your children in the middle

It's possible that you'll never get over being angry or resentful about the breakup, but you can put those feelings in a separate box and remind yourself that they are your problems, not your child's. Make the conscious decision to keep your children out of the argument you are having with your former partner.

Never use kids as messengers. Under no circumstances should children be used as couriers. Putting your children in the middle of your dispute with your co-parent is not fair to either of you or to the kids. You should contact your ex via phone or email if you want to keep your child out of your relationship problems.

Keep your issues to yourself. Do not bother anyone with your problems. Never put your children in the position of having to choose between you and your ex by making negative comments about your ex in front of them. Your child has the legal right to spend time with their other parent without your interference.

TIP 2: IMPROVE COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR CO-PARENT

Communication with your ex that is calm, consistent, and goal-oriented is necessary for successful co-parenting, even though it may seem impossible to achieve. The first thing to change is your frame of mind. As you talk with your ex, remember to keep your child's health and happiness in the forefront of your mind. Before you decide to communicate with your ex, give some thought to the effect your actions will have on your child, and do everything in your power to always keep your dignity, even in the most trying of circumstances. Keep the welfare of your child at the forefront of every conversation you have with your former partner.

The goal is to establish conflict-free communication, so see which type of contact works best for you.

Co-parenting communication methods

You can initiate and maintain effective communication using any combination of the following methods, regardless of how you choose to make contact:

Set a business-like tone. Think of your interactions with your ex as a business partnership, with the welfare of your children as the "business" at stake. Treat your ex-partner the same way you would a co-worker and treat communication with them as polite, respectful, and impartial. Calm down and take it easy with your pace of speech.

Make requests. Instead of making statements that could be misconstrued as demands, try framing as much as possible as a request. Requests can start with "Would you be willing to..." or "Can we try...?"

Listen. Listening is the first step in communicating with maturity. Even if you disagree with the other parent, you should be able to communicate to your ex that you understand their point of view. And because listening does not imply approval, you will gain nothing by allowing your ex to express his or her thoughts.

Show restraint. Listening is the first step in communicating with maturity. Even if you disagree with the other parent, you should be able to communicate to your ex that you understand their point of view. And because listening does not imply approval, you will gain nothing by allowing your ex to express his or her thoughts.

Commit to meeting/talking consistently. Even though it may be hard at first, talking to your ex often will show your kids that you and your co-parent are on the same side.

Keep conversations kid focused. Never allow a conversation with your ex-spouse to devolve into one about your needs or their needs; the focus of the conversation should always remain solely on the requirements of your child.

Quickly relieve stress in the moment. When you are dealing with a difficult ex-spouse who has hurt you in the past or has a real knack for pushing your buttons, it may seem impossible to maintain your composure and remain calm. You can learn to maintain your composure despite the mounting pressure by regularly engaging in activities that provide you with quick stress relief.

Improving the relationship with your ex

If you are truly ready to start over and rebuild trust after a breakup, then you should make an honest effort to do so. As you work on improving your relationship, it is important to keep in mind what is in the children's best interests.

Ask your ex-partner for their opinion. This straightforward method can facilitate positive communication between you. Ask for your ex's input on an issue about which you don't feel strongly, demonstrating that you value their opinion.

Apologize. Apologize when you're sorry for something, even if the incident occurred years ago. Apologizing can be a highly effective means of elevating a relationship beyond that of adversaries.

Calm down. If a special outing with your ex will reduce your time with your child by one hour, do so graciously. Remember that what is best for your child is paramount. In addition, when you demonstrate flexibility, your ex is more likely to reciprocate.

TIP 3: CO-PARENT AS A TEAM

Regardless of how well you get along with your ex, you will still be required to collaborate with them on most of the decisions that concern your children. When there is open communication and cooperation among those involved, rather than arguments and blow-ups, things go much more smoothly for everyone involved. If you and your co-parent strive for consistency, goodwill, and collaboration when making parenting decisions, the particulars of those decisions will typically fall into place on their own.

Aim for co-parenting consistency

Even though it's beneficial for children to learn about other cultures and adapt to change, it's important for them to understand that no matter where they go, they are still required to abide by the same fundamental rules. Keeping your home and the home of your ex consistent with one another will help maintain harmony in both your household and the minds of your children.

Rules. You and your ex-spouse don't have to enforce an identical set of rules in both homes but setting some ground rules that are at least similar will help ensure that your children aren't subjected to two wildly different systems of discipline. Homework, curfews, and no-go zones are just a few examples of the kinds of household regulations that should be observed consistently.

Discipline. Even if the rule-breaking incident did not occur in your home, try to apply the same disciplinary measures. You should stick to your word and not let your children watch television while visiting their other parent. It works just as well to incentivize desirable behaviour.

Schedule. Try to maintain a regular routine with your kids. To help your child adjust to living in two locations, try maintaining a consistent routine with regards to mealtimes, homework, and bedtime.

Making important decisions as co-parents

Important choices need to be made by both of you, even though you are no longer married to each other. Your ability to communicate openly, honestly, and forthrightly about significant issues is essential to the health of both your relationship with your ex and the well-being of your children.

Medical needs. Whether you choose to designate one parent as the primary communicator with medical professionals or attend medical appointments jointly, keep each other informed.

Education. It is important that you keep the school informed of any changes that occur in your child's living situation. You should have a conversation with your ex-spouse in advance about your children's class schedules, extracurricular activities, and parent-teacher conferences, and you should treat each other with respect when you see each other at sporting events or school functions.

Financial issues. Your ability to be an effective co-parent may be hindered by the financial burden of maintaining two separate households. Create a spending plan that considers reality and be sure to meticulously track all your shared costs. Be gracious to your ex if he or she can give your children opportunities that you are unable to give them yourself.

Resolving co-parenting disagreements

As you continue to share parental responsibilities for your children with your ex, it is almost certain that you and your ex will disagree on certain issues. Keep the following in mind as you work toward finding a solution that can satisfy everyone's needs and expectations.

Respect can go a long way. The groundwork for effective co-parenting should be good old-fashioned manners. When you are considerate and respectful of your ex, you will let them know about events happening at school, you will try to be as flexible as possible with your schedule, and you will take their opinion seriously.

Keep talking. If you have fundamentally different views on an important topic, you will need to keep the lines of communication open. Never have a conversation about your divergent viewpoints with your child or in front of them. If you are still unable to come to an agreement, it is possible that you will need the assistance of a third party, such as a mediator.

Do not stress over trivial matters. Continue the conversation at all costs if you and your partner cannot agree on significant matters, such as whether your child should have surgery or which school they should attend. But if your ex says that your child should be in bed at 8:00 and you want them to be in bed by 7:30, you should let it go and save your energy for the more important issues.

Compromise. Yes, it will be necessary for you to see things from your ex-perspective spouse's just as frequently as they will need to see things from yours. Although it might not always be your first option, compromise enables both parties to "win" and increases the likelihood that both of you will be flexible in the future.

TIP 4: MAKE TRANSITIONS AND VISITATION EASIER

The transition from one family home to another can be a very trying time for children, regardless of whether it takes place once a week, every few days, or just on certain weekends. Every time you see one of your parents again, it means that you have to say goodbye to the other, and every hello means that you have to say goodbye to someone else. Even though changes are inevitable, there are a lot of things you can do to help make the adjustment process less stressful for your kids.

When your child leaves

Try to keep a positive attitude and make sure the children are delivered on time when they are getting ready to go to your ex's house.

Encourage children to prepare for upcoming changes. A day or two before the visit, you should remind the children that they will soon be traveling to the home of the other parent.

Pack things in advance. As appropriate for their ages, assist children in packing their belongings well in advance of their departure to ensure that they don't leave anything important behind. Encourage the packing of things that will serve as reminders of home, such as a favourite stuffed animal or photograph.

Always drop off-never pick up the child. It is in everyone's best interest to avoid "taking" one's child away from the other parent to avoid the possibility of disrupting or cutting short a precious moment. You should deliver your child to the residence of the other parent instead.

When your child returns

The beginning of your child's return to your home can be awkward or even rocky. To help your child adjust:

Keep things low-key. When children first arrive at your home, try to relax with them by reading a book or engaging in another activity that does not require much noise.

Double up. Have your children keep certain essentials, such as their toothbrushes, hairbrushes, and pajamas, at both of your homes so that packing will be easier, and they will feel more at ease when they are staying with the other parent.

Give your child some room to roam. It usually takes a little bit of time for children to get used to the new situation. If it seems like they could use some space, try doing something else in the area. In time, everything will return to how it was before.

Create a consistent routine. When your child comes back, either engage in a game with them or prepare a meal that is uniquely theirs. Children thrive in predictable environments; it can be easier for them to readjust if they know exactly what to anticipate when they come back to you after being away.

Dealing with visitation refusal

It is common for children who share custody with both parents to sometimes refuse to spend the night with the other parent. Remember it is for them, not you.

Find the cause. It's possible that there's a simple solution to the issue, such as giving your child more of your attention, modifying the way you discipline them, or providing them with additional toys or other forms of entertainment. There is also the possibility that an emotional cause is at play, such as a disagreement or a misunderstanding. Have a conversation with your kid about their refusal.

Go with the flow. It's possible that the issue can be solved quickly and easily by doing something as simple as paying more attention to your child, modifying the way you discipline them, providing them with additional toys or other forms of entertainment, etc. Or it could be that an emotional reason is at play, like a disagreement or a misunderstanding. Discuss your concerns about your child's refusal with them.

Talk to your ex. Your conversation with your ex about the refusal might be difficult and bring up a lot of feelings, but it could be extremely helpful in figuring out what the issue is. While you are having this difficult conversation with your ex, try to show him or her some sensitivity and understanding.

Francois Pauw

Pauw Attorneys

Divorce Specialists